If Marx was alive today, he’d be conservative.

            Karl Marx lived during the industrial revolution. People were finally giving up their cottage industry or street rat professions to go to work for the first evil CEOs, who were quickly learning the skills of exploitation of the worker. To give him some credit, Marx saw some roaring inequalities. Workers got paid pennies per day, while the greedy capitalist was making millions. Accidents were common, since OSHA hadn’t been invented yet, and child labor was getting a lift from the more entrepreneurial minded evil bourgeoisie. What made things worse was that workers’ unions didn’t exist yet, so if someone was being exploited and wanted more pay, their only option was to go find another line of work. Or stay at that job. Or be out of work.

            Yes, it was a lot like today, only with no unemployment checks. That meant that usually people waited until they actually found another job before quitting their first one… or if they were fired, they tended to (gasp!) find another line of work or (double gasp!) rely on the kindness of family or churches to keep from starving to death instead of the government.

            But I digress. I believe the only reason that Marxism ever got so popular, and how it still manages to stay alive today is that he was the first to effectively point out what was quickly becoming obvious. Some people were rich, and some were not. To socialism’s credit, it recognizes inequality and wishes that people could be more blessed. That desire even has roots in a moral basis: it’s the same one Jesus talked about in that whole ‘feed the poor, bless the sick and afflicted, comfort the widows and the fatherless’ thing. But that is where similarities end.

            Marx misinterpreted the trend. He assumed that the rich would get richer and the poor would get poorer. History has shown us differently. Sure, socialists still will point to the percentage difference between evil CEOs and janitors, which has probably gotten even larger than when Marx was busy not shaving. But in terms of actual poverty, that janitor probably has a car, a microwave, his own flat and an iPod.

            This is where socialists and conservatives tend to talk right past each other. Socialists still see the inequality, whereas conservatives tend to look at whether the man is free to make his own standard of living. How can one have a meaningful discussion if it can’t even be agreed on what the topic is?

            So let’s use a little Karl Marxian logic and see how his theory would best be applied today for the benefit of all the communists who may be reading this post. Maybe they’ll finally understand:

            A wicked CEO exploits his workers because they work for him. Now even if he pays them what an evil conservative would call a fair and equitable wage, by definition of making a profit, some of that worker’s labor energy is going to another person. When the fruits of one’s labor go to another, which is the definition of slavery. The only way to eliminate this slavery inherent in the capitalist system is to have the workers own the means of production.

            Now since the time of Marx, we have discovered a natural resource called the Stock. This wonderful resource allows a worker at, say, Ford Motor Company to use each and every paycheck if they so choose to buy into the company and (Gasp!) own the means of production for that company. But further than that, it allows even more equity than Marx imagined. Workers at McDonalds, for example, don’t have to buy McDonald’s stock. No, they can buy any stock they desire, even the really stupid ones. A burger flipper can own IBM on the side. That janitor we talked about earlier can own part of the company that is about to put his own boss out of business. Instead of restricting someone to own their own means of production only where they produce, anyone can own any means of production anytime, anywhere.

            “But wait!” the communist may object. “Workers aren’t smart enough to play the market like those Wall Street villains! They may lose all their money or make dumb investments!” Yes, that is true. The same way a capitalist may buy the wrong equipment, exploit his laborers, never sell a widget, and also go out of business. Freedom means also being free to fall on your face.

            But realistically, with the modern advent of the mutual fund, even a dunce can invest wisely. In fact, many fund companies advise simply putting your money in and forgetting it so that the inexperienced people don’t make stupid trades and negate the benefits of professional management.  

            An employee is only being exploited, or in slavery, until they get paid once. After that, they are free to buy what they want. They choose whether to spend the money on iPods, plasma TVs, fancy cars, beer, and Starbucks, or the means of production: a mutual fund: their future. If equality and prosperity is truly the goal, and enabling the working class to own the means of production is the way to do it, Marx would probably agree that a modern free enterprise system is what works best.